How do abusers manipulate?

DARVO is an acronym used to describe how a person with narcissism or narcissistic traits (and it can be seen in other Cluster B personality disorders/ traits) typically responds when an issue is brought up with them. Eg I don’t like that you did X, it really hurt me, please don’t do it again.

The narcissist will then Deny (I didn’t do that thing, you are taking it out of context/the wrong way, excuses as to why you should not be upset about X). Then Attack (eg you are so sensitive, you must have a mental illness, you do X,Y and Z so what does it matter if I did X, what is wrong with you that you feel this way, you are mentally unstable etc) And then Reverse Victim and Offender (you really hurt me with what you said, everyone is upset with you, why would you speak to me this way - remember narcissists do not like boundaries and will often claim they are the victim of your ‘aggression’ when you assert yourself, etc). They can also use triangulation - where they get a third person involved to relay their upset rather than communicating directly with the person who raised the concerns.

This is a form of abuse. The abuser fails to take responsibility for their behavior and instead turns the tables and makes you are the aggressor. It’s an effective manipulation technique and it seen often in domestically abusive relationships. The psychological and emotional abuse usually comes well before physical violence. It destabilizes the victim and often leaves them feeling confused at to what is going on (another good sign that you are being manipulated).

If someone is not willing to hear what hurt you and how they can fix it and instead makes you feel bad - that can be a sign of a toxic person.

If you suspect that you may be in a domestically or familial abusive relationship then there is help available. Talk to your GP, a psychologist or DV Connect as a start. There are some great YouTube educational channels - Dr Ramani is a favourite and specializes in narcissistic abuse and the consequences.

As one of my clients highlighted - if someone makes you feel bad when you tell them they hurt you - that’s a giant red flag.

This kind of experience over an extended period can have the consequence of the victim not trusting their own emotions because the person with narcissism is very convincing.